Forgiveness: For Eternal Life, Children must do it God’s Way!

Below is a sample of a typical SEL lesson on the topic of forgiveness. It makes some useful points for students, but it can only address forgiveness from a secular (God-free) perspective. If our ultimate goal for our children is to attain Eternity with God in Heaven, this half-Truth is not good enough and can put the Eternal Souls of children in peril.

Too dramatic?

Jesus Christ made clear that “forgiveness” is not a “personal choice”, but a requirement for achieving the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.

Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. 

That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt.

At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.

When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount.  He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt.

Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair.

His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’

Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.  So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.”

Matthew 18:21-35

If that is not clear enough, Jesus emphasized the point in the Sermon on the Mount:

2841 This petition is so important that it is the only one to which the Lord returns and which he develops explicitly in the Sermon on the Mount. This crucial requirement of the covenant mystery is impossible for man. But “with God all things are possible.”

Catechism of the Catholic Church

In the Beatitudes:

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Matthew 5:7

and Teaching about Anger, Jesus said:

You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, ‘You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, 

Matthew 5: 21-22

and Teaching about Prayer, Jesus gave us The Lord’s Prayer:

 Give us today our daily bread; and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors; and do not subject us to the final test, but deliver us from the evil one.

If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.

Matthew 6:11-15

In contrast, here is a sample SEL Program on Forgiveness from Greater Good in Education produced by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center (GGSC). It is reflective of standard SEL curricula that is taught in public schools .

How To Do It

Lesson

Activity:

• Begin by having students write their own definition and understanding of forgiveness, including what they have learned about forgiveness in the past, and where they may have heard the word.
• There is no wrong or right answer to this exercise. It is just a good way for students to start thinking about their own understanding of forgiveness.
• Have students share in pairs or small groups and then a few students can share with the large group.

Discussion:

• Using the educator notes, lead the whole class in a discussion on the definition of forgiveness, including what forgiveness looks and feels like as well as what students think forgiveness is and isn’t.
• You can have students develop their own “working” definition of forgiveness by asking questions that help students consider:
  • the role of apology when forgiving
  • whether one has to remain or continue a relationship with an offender
  • what happens to anger when one forgives
  • how justice and forgiveness and revenge and forgiveness are related
• Each one of the above relationships about forgiveness and a related concept can be given to small groups of students to discuss and then each group can be asked to write a brief example about the relationship or act out the connection dramatically. The other groups of students can try to guess what message about forgiveness is illustrated in the example or being acted out.
• Students can also write out their own stories of forgiveness, highlighting the new information they learned about what forgiveness is and is not.

Activity:

• After students have had time to discuss their own ideas of forgiveness with the educator’s help, they can be asked to come up with a definition collectively, that the whole class agrees on.
  • Emphasis should be placed on the fact that it is the child’s choice to forgive or not, as well as the idea that forgiveness does not mean one has to maintain a friendship with the offender. Children who have received this forgiveness education previously appreciated hearing that they did not have to maintain relationships with those who were hurting them but could still do the work on forgiving. They also really appreciated learning that forgiveness was a way to let go of anger that they may have been holding onto for a while.
  • Have students discuss their thoughts about apologies when forgiving and why apologies are helpful when forgiving but not necessary. Students can discuss whether apologies are always offered as well as whether they have to forgive if they receive an apology.
  • Ensure that students understand that forgiveness is personal, thus, something the individual can do on their own, while justice is public, carried out by the public and authorities. Forgiveness does not mean that students continue to get hurt or are left in an unsafe situation. Students need to know what to do when being hurt by another student before they can begin to consider forgiveness. An example can be given of how showing kindness and forgiveness to a bully can also include telling a teacher or another adult about being bullied.
• Students can be given a handout that includes their definition of forgiveness, as well as what forgiveness is not.
  • This handout can be pasted in students’ notebooks or folders along with any examples they wrote about forgiveness or stories that were acted out.
  • The handout can also be developed into an Anchor chart that can be displayed in the classroom.
• Students can discuss times they have told an adult when they have been unfairly hurt by someone and what that experience was like and times other students have told on them for their hurtful actions. Did the offender experience justice (consequences/punishment) for their actions?
• Students can discuss the difference between thinking revengeful thoughts and actually carrying out revenge. Students can share in small groups if they have had revenge fantasies and how that can be a natural part of working through anger before deciding to forgive.
• Students can also discuss times they have carried out revenge or times other individuals have acted out revenge on them. Students can compare such instances with instances in which they have chosen to forgive the offender or they themselves have received forgiveness from another.
• Furthermore, students can discuss how they might show kindness to an offender, what makes it hard to show kindness to an offender, and what sort of outcomes might result from showing kindness to an offender.

 Special Note for the Educator:

• You may need to give examples of what it looks like to receive consequences for one’s hurtful behavior in contrast to revenge.
• You can discuss the importance of telling an adult when one is being hurt and highlight the difference between revenge and justice.
  • With revenge, the offended individual personally wants to do something hurtful to get back at the offender.
  • However, with justice, usually someone other than the offended, such as one’s parents, teachers, authorities, and/or public, is in charge of showing the offender that their actions have consequences.
  • Revenge often feels good in the moment, but not in the long run. Revenge behavior can lead to long-lasting feuds and conflicts.
  • To be able to think about forgiving, students need to hear that those who hurt them will NOT be let off the hook for their actions and that justice will occur whenever possible.
  • Thus, students need to know that justice and forgiveness can both occur although, when we forgive, we give up personal justice—which is revenge.
  • Students also need to hear that forgiveness is hard work and takes effort and courage. The deeper the hurt, the longer it may take to forgive, and in certain situations, one may choose not to forgive. It is always up to the individual whether they choose to forgive or not.  And the decision can be made even if one does not feel the forgiveness in their heart at the time they make the decision. Those feelings will develop during the process.

Closure

• Ask students to write a short reflection. You may use the following reflection questions:
  • What will I take away from this lesson?
  • What were some ideas that we discussed that really challenge me? Why do these ideas challenge me?

Source

The Courage to Forgive: Educating Elementary School Children About Forgiveness
A Social Emotional Learning/Character Education Teaching Guide for Children Ages 9-12, International Forgiveness Institute
Suzanne Freedman, Ph.D., University of Northern Iowa
Robert D. Enright, Ph.D., University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Education

Reflection After the Practice

Notes for the Educator About Forgiveness 

(adapted from the The Courage to Forgive: Educating Elementary School Children About  Forgiveness, International Forgiveness Institute) 

Because there are so many misconceptions associated with forgiveness, it is important  that students receive an accurate definition of forgiving. Forgiveness is defined in practical terms  as: A decrease in negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward an offender and  perhaps, over time, a gradual increase in positive thoughts, feeling and behaviors toward  an offender (Freedman et al. 2005). 

However, forgiveness can simply be reflected in a decrease in negative thoughts, feelings  and behaviors. The positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors may take time to develop or they  may never develop. Students need to know that forgiveness occurs in the context of a personal  and unfair hurt. Personal hurt means that we forgive for the way we were hurt and not for  someone else’s hurt or on behalf of anyone else. I can only forgive for my hurts, not for my  friend’s hurt. Unfair means that we did not deserve the hurt. It is also the case that when we are  working on forgiving or make the decision to forgive, we are admitting that we were hurt by the  offender. We don’t deny our hurt/pain or make excuses for the offender or say that it was okay  that we were hurt the way we were. We recognize the hurt for the injustice that it was. We admit  to our anger and hurt feelings and express our feelings in a healthy way, as illustrated in Phase 1. 

To illustrate what forgiveness looks like, the analogy of how forgiveness is like a cold  stone or heart made of ice melting into a warm and soft heart can be used. It is important that  students understand that forgiveness does not mean excusing, condoning, pardoning, forgetting,  automatic reconciliation, or a lack of justice. The idea that forgiveness and justice can both take  place is important for students to hear. Students need to know that forgiveness is personal and  justice is public, meaning that if someone does something harmful or hurtful, or breaks a law,  there should be a consequence sometimes involving punishment. This is especially important for  children to hear. Forgiveness can occur alongside the punishment or consequence and is offered  by the one personally hurt. 

Revenge occurs when one takes punishment into their own hands, but when one forgives, they do not seek revenge or try to get back at the person. Sama, the main character in the book, The Forgiveness Garden, can be used as an example of an individual choosing not to seek revenge on the person who hurt her. Students can discuss what forgiveness looked like for Sama and how she took a chance and decided to do something different with her anger. She decided not to seek revenge and instead, created a “Garden of Healing”. The educator may also give the example of a student being bullied by another student. The student who was bullied can personally forgive, and the student who did the bullying can receive a consequence through discipline for their actions. 

Students need to know that an apology from one’s offender makes it easier to forgive, but  it is also not necessary. Students can reflect upon the idea that apologies don’t always occur, and  if they wait for an apology before they forgive, they may never be able to engage in the healing  process of forgiving. Conversely, it is also important that students understand that they don’t  have to forgive right away just because an offender apologizes. This may be important  information for students who have experienced deeper interpersonal hurts. One can tell their  offender that the apology is appreciated and they are working on forgiving, but that they are not  there yet, or simply thank the offender for his or her apology. Forgiving is not something to be  rushed or forced and should only occur when the offended individual is ready. 

Students also need to understand how forgiveness does not mean that one needs to go back to being friends with the offender. Becoming friends again depends upon the offender’s behaviors and actions. If the offender has not apologized or is likely to hurt one again, then reconciliation is not recommended. One can choose to forgive and also not get back into a relationship with the offender. Of course, when forgiving a parent or family member, children do not always have the choice of whether or not to reconcile with a hurtful offender. If a student discloses any type of abuse during this curriculum, this information needs to be shared with the school counselor and most likely reported. Forgiveness is more complicated when there is ongoing abuse. Safety is the first concern; forgiveness should only occur when an individual is in a safe position and not at risk of getting hurt again. Forgiveness is never an excuse for remaining in a dangerous or harmful relationship. Forgiveness requires great effort, courage, and time. It is not something that occurs overnight, especially if one has experienced a deep hurt.